I've been feeling lonely these days. Its kind of ironic, really. During the last few months of my time in San Diego, I got so depressed and bitter about some of my interpersonal relationships that I did all I could to avoid going out with friends so I could stay in my house instead.(Its silly that every time one is having problems with their parents, they want to leave their house. Yet, whenever one is having issues with their friends, they want to stay in.) I also deactivated my Facebook account and decided to communicate through letter writing. Moving out to get away from people and whatever personal problems we or I had seemed like a goal of mine. Now that I'm out, I'm finally understanding the consequence of avoiding people.
Everyday my friend/roommate asks "did you make any friends today?" Her mom recently fired back, saying that college should be about learning, not socializing like what my friend does a lot. To me, its an awful question that annoys me. My answer, which I'm yet to tell her: "No, because, unlike you, I'm highly motivated to get my ass into film classes because its industry is very competitive. Yet, at the same time, I feel very lonely. I'm in no rush to make friends. I've always been shy and I'm still overwhelmed in my new environment and by its people."
As a result of the lack of contact with friends, I've also been feeling bitter. Some of my friends I've wrote to like the idea of letter writing, but I'm yet to hear back from them. I get anxious, wondering if they wrote back yet or are going to write back. I get worried about them not having the patience for writing or just me in general, and not sending me anything because of that. I told them that I'll be sending letters on a monthly basis, but I don't think I emphasized enough about me only responding back (quickly) if I actually get a response. (Not getting a response has always been a pet peeve of mine. I hate it when people don't listen to me, especially when I put a lot of energy and thought into what I'm saying. Them not writing back is just as hurtful.) Not hearing from them makes me angry and sad. I keep thinking that they don't care about me and that I need better friends, ones who are more understanding.
(I once sent a postcard to a long distant friend and I never heard back from him. Two months later, I finally asked him if he got it. He then said he liked it and wanted to receive more mail from me. That irritated me because I was expecting to get something back.)
The lack of technology like Facebook and text messaging (which was my parents' decision since they pay the cellphone bills) has turned me into a dinosaur. My sister keeps complaining that I should get back on Facebook and that I could have better interpersonal relationships if I had "texting." Ever since I left Facebook, I've been feeling liberated. Needless to say, I got fed up with it because it turned me into an addict and a stalker, and it was giving me negative attitudes about some people, including those I had no rift with to begin with. I simply had enough of feeling bad about one's thoughts of me not looking cute or being untrustworthy via quiz app. As for not having text messaging, I'm use to it and my distaste for it keeps growing. I'll continue to argue that it makes people anti-social and illiterate. I prefer using the cellphone to, you know, TALK.
I often sit in my classes and overhear my classmates talk about CSUN's film program, saying they're trying to get in or are already in it. Sometimes I feel that they're suppose to be my competition and I should do whatever I can to show my talent is better than theirs. Yet, I've never been a competitive person. Other times I think that I should welcome them, for we're all film students suffering from the same plight and having the same love for our medium. I had this attitude in my film classes before transferring. I ended up seeing my classmates as friends and admiring them, even if their work was better than mine.
Indeed, I am an transfer student and I should be better-prepared for college work. Yet, I've noticed that I've been doing much more work than I did in community college, which I'm still not use to. My professors seem to have bigger credentials too. (If your professor has his own Wikipedia page, you'll know that he matters!) What I don't like is seeing classmates who are dumb. I'm talking about the kind who think Sigmund Freud was a philosopher! You guys are in college, for Pete's sake!
I'm enjoying the movies I've been watching in my film classes. Watching old movies starring Lillian Gish and Humphrey Bogart are escapism for me. Speaking of which, there's a silent film festival taking place this weekend. I plan to check it out.
Everyday my friend/roommate asks "did you make any friends today?" Her mom recently fired back, saying that college should be about learning, not socializing like what my friend does a lot. To me, its an awful question that annoys me. My answer, which I'm yet to tell her: "No, because, unlike you, I'm highly motivated to get my ass into film classes because its industry is very competitive. Yet, at the same time, I feel very lonely. I'm in no rush to make friends. I've always been shy and I'm still overwhelmed in my new environment and by its people."
As a result of the lack of contact with friends, I've also been feeling bitter. Some of my friends I've wrote to like the idea of letter writing, but I'm yet to hear back from them. I get anxious, wondering if they wrote back yet or are going to write back. I get worried about them not having the patience for writing or just me in general, and not sending me anything because of that. I told them that I'll be sending letters on a monthly basis, but I don't think I emphasized enough about me only responding back (quickly) if I actually get a response. (Not getting a response has always been a pet peeve of mine. I hate it when people don't listen to me, especially when I put a lot of energy and thought into what I'm saying. Them not writing back is just as hurtful.) Not hearing from them makes me angry and sad. I keep thinking that they don't care about me and that I need better friends, ones who are more understanding.
(I once sent a postcard to a long distant friend and I never heard back from him. Two months later, I finally asked him if he got it. He then said he liked it and wanted to receive more mail from me. That irritated me because I was expecting to get something back.)
The lack of technology like Facebook and text messaging (which was my parents' decision since they pay the cellphone bills) has turned me into a dinosaur. My sister keeps complaining that I should get back on Facebook and that I could have better interpersonal relationships if I had "texting." Ever since I left Facebook, I've been feeling liberated. Needless to say, I got fed up with it because it turned me into an addict and a stalker, and it was giving me negative attitudes about some people, including those I had no rift with to begin with. I simply had enough of feeling bad about one's thoughts of me not looking cute or being untrustworthy via quiz app. As for not having text messaging, I'm use to it and my distaste for it keeps growing. I'll continue to argue that it makes people anti-social and illiterate. I prefer using the cellphone to, you know, TALK.
I often sit in my classes and overhear my classmates talk about CSUN's film program, saying they're trying to get in or are already in it. Sometimes I feel that they're suppose to be my competition and I should do whatever I can to show my talent is better than theirs. Yet, I've never been a competitive person. Other times I think that I should welcome them, for we're all film students suffering from the same plight and having the same love for our medium. I had this attitude in my film classes before transferring. I ended up seeing my classmates as friends and admiring them, even if their work was better than mine.
Indeed, I am an transfer student and I should be better-prepared for college work. Yet, I've noticed that I've been doing much more work than I did in community college, which I'm still not use to. My professors seem to have bigger credentials too. (If your professor has his own Wikipedia page, you'll know that he matters!) What I don't like is seeing classmates who are dumb. I'm talking about the kind who think Sigmund Freud was a philosopher! You guys are in college, for Pete's sake!
I'm enjoying the movies I've been watching in my film classes. Watching old movies starring Lillian Gish and Humphrey Bogart are escapism for me. Speaking of which, there's a silent film festival taking place this weekend. I plan to check it out.
